Saturday November 5, 1988
Friday night I went to a party at a coworker's house. We drank beer and played pool. I felt uncomfortable and conflicted, and I realized why. I used to spend a lot of time drinking beer, playing pool, and smoking cigarettes at pool halls, but I no longer drank, smoked, or played pool. Drinking beer and playing pool made me crave a cigarette and brought back my barroom persona. I realized I acted differently with my boss, with my friends, and in pool halls. This party forced me to accommodate all those roles simultaneously. I realized I needed to merge my behaviors into one consistent self. I noticed there were no ashtrays at the party. When I got home I had a fleeting, unintentional vision of blowing my brains out with my pistol.
Saturday morning my best friend dreamt he was in a room filled with masks hanging from the walls and ceiling. He also dreamt of writing a suicide note. Finally, he dreamt that he was smoking cigarettes and could not find an ashtray. (My friend does not smoke.)
Copyright 2007 Jon Maloney
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